5 Lessons on Being an Introvert in a Loud World

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”

– Albert Camus

I’m a writer, a presenter, and a teacher. My talents, at least the latter two, are best put to use in situations where I have an audience. In addition to being all of these things, I am also an introvert and a highly sensitive person. This means that mentally and emotionally, I am better without an audience and all of the stimulus that comes with lots of public interaction.

Isn’t this a contradiction? Absolutely it is. Navigating in a world where I shine in a place that also happens to be emotionally detrimental to me has always been challenging. Doing what I love comes at a cost, and I’ve had to learn to be protective of myself.

What is a Highly Sensitive Person?

We’re all bombarded by various stimulus at any given moment. Some of this is related to the five senses. This could be background conversations, various things occurring in our field of vision, somebody brushing against us as we pass, and the smells we encounter. Then there is emotional stimulus. In any given day, we witness people displaying a wide range of emotions.

For most people, the brain does its job quite efficiently by filtering all of this stimulus and storing it away as background noise. For people like me, the brain doesn’t do this job as well as it should. All of the inbound ‘noise’ can become unbearable. Like many HSP individuals, I am also an introvert.

This makes for a very noisy world. Fortunately, it’s one I’ve learned to thrive in, thanks to these lessons.

1. Stick to a Schedule When Possible

This isn’t to say that life as an HSP introvert is a life doomed to no spontaneity, but there is some real value in predictability. If I start the day knowing what my schedule looks like, I can identify the tasks and interactions that will be challenging for me, and be able to predict the times when I will need to take action to recover and recoup my emotional resources.

The result of this is that not only am I better off emotionally, I am much more enjoyable to be around, and I can make the most productive use of my talents. This is because I can bring out the teacher and presenter sides of myself when I need to be switched on, and then seek solace in being a writer when I have time to myself.

2. Take The Time to Figure Out How Your Brain Works

If you are an introvert, take the time to understand exactly what that means, not just in a general sense, but for you specifically. HSP and introversion don’t operate in exactly the same way from one person to the next. For example, I can be in a relatively loud environment if I have a focal point. I do absolutely fine attending the theater or enjoying a concert but, on the other hand, parties and crowded nightspots are an absolute nightmare for me. I suspect this is because, in these situations, I don’t have a single thing on which to focus. When external stimuli come from so many different sources at various levels of intensity, I struggle to sort it all out.  Understanding my particular brand of HSP and introversion has helped me to create some great coping strategies.

3. Know Which Situations Will be Most Challenging

I have something called my ‘Defcon 5 List’. This is my list of situations that are extremely difficult for me to contend with, even for a relatively short period of time. Unfortunately, this list is the result of painful and very personal experience. However, once I became aware of some of the situations that caused me to struggle the most, I realized that I could then predict other situations that would be just as challenging for me.

Of course, awareness doesn’t necessarily translate into the ability to avoid. Not only that avoidance isn’t always desirable. What awareness does do for me is that it lets me know that I need to prepare myself for these situations and that I need to allow myself time to get back to normal afterwards.

4. Focus on Growing Not Fixing

Being an introvert or an HSP is not a disease, and it’s not a character flaw. It isn’t something that needs to be cured. However, it also doesn’t mean that no effort should be made to grow or challenge yourself. When I am deciding whether or not to expose myself to a challenging situation, I do a bit of a risk-benefit analysis. I try to determine what I will gain not just from the experience itself, but also from forcing my boundaries to get a bit wider and challenging myself.

If I determine that I simply am not up to the challenge, I don’t beat myself over it. When I am able to challenge my limits, I give myself permission to feel proud of the effort and accomplishment.

5. Develop an Understanding of Extroverts

I think the world is becoming more accepting of introverts and becoming more educated on what it means to be an introvert. In fact, if you were to Google ‘introvert memes’ you can find lots of visual depictions of what life is like for an introvert. Many of these are very spot on. One thing that has come with this increasing acceptance and understanding is a bit of a backlash against extroverts. I think it’s important to put it out there that extrovert is not synonymous with loud, insensitive, brash, or boorish. Someone can be an extrovert and also be thoughtful, contemplative, and bright.

I’ve found it easier to relate to extroverts now that I understand that where I lose energy, they gain energy. That’s helped me to get past some of my own prejudice and tendencies to misinterpret the actions of introverts that I interact with. For example, I understand now that when one of my extrovert friends really wants me to socialize, they aren’t pushing me to do something I don’t care to do. They are sharing something that brings them joy.

What do you think? Do you have any coping strategies that you have created as an HSP? If there are extroverts who are also HSP, your input would be especially interesting.

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by Kerry Creaswood

An Actor’s Mindset: How Improv Has Changed My Life

I was never an outgoing kid. A series of unfortunate events during my high school years, whose perpetrators undoubtedly know of my longlasting distress, left me emotionally crippled. I was shy to the point of becoming unable even to talk to friends without getting overwhelmed by anxiety. My self-esteem was dangerously low, and I found that living day-to-day became a Herculean struggle. As far as I was concerned, everything that went wrong was my fault; everything that went right did so in spite of own failings. And my failings were plenty. I felt ugly. Disgusting. Stained, inside and out. Crazy. Worst of all, unlovable. Anyone who has ever felt such emotional pain and despair understands what it’s like to live through these kinds of feelings. “Living” might be too optimistic of a word, in fact. One begins to feel like the walking manifestation of death itself.

Oddly enough, I did have a hobby that consistently brought joy to my life, and it was the last hobby anybody, including myself, would have expected from somebody like me. I was an actor. I discovered my passion late into middle school, and carried it with me throughout all of my suffering in high school. I established myself as (and I say so not to be pompous, but because it was often told to me) one of the most talented actors in the 300-some population of the school. I started with side characters, and people told me I stole the shows. I ascended to lead roles and consistently began to win awards from the school’s theatre program. Judges from the annual Illinois State Theatre Festival even selected a production in which I was a lead to be performed in front of hundreds, if not thousands, of students from across the state. When I walked on stage, people noticed and paid attention. I took command of each and every role I was given, and pulled them off with a skill that never failed to impress. One would expect, after seeing me onstage, that I would be among the most outgoing, confident individuals in the community. And yet, inside, I was broken. I frequently overheard conversations between my directors regarding the amazing dichotomy between my stage self and my “real” self, although I always hesitated to apply such a label to the dysfunctional mess that I had become.

My passion for acting, and my ever-wavering spirits, followed me into college. To my dismay, lead roles in the theatre program of Illinois State University were mostly reserved for theatre majors. After having become accustomed to lead roles, I became rather disenchanted and set acting to the backburner for good.

The consequences followed immediately. Another series of events landed me briefly in a nearby hospital. I plummeted to the worst condition I could have imagined. Soon after my discharge, though, a loose acquaintance of mine offhandedly mentioned that an improv troupe would be holding auditions. With less than two days to prepare, I resigned myself to the reality that no matter how good of an actor I was, there was no possible way I was talented enough to join “the big leagues.” College-level acting, no less than the notoriously difficult art of improvisational acting, was out of my reach. And yet I never truly gave up, for I allowed myself to hope just enough to bother attending the audition.

There was stiff competition, of course, and the senior members performed incredibly as they demonstrated what we would do during the audition. As far as I was concerned, I had already failed. But when I stepped onstage, the switch flipped. I returned to my element, nailed the audition, moved on to callbacks, and nailed them too. As abruptly as I had even decided to interest myself with the team, I was a member.

The team had existed for almost twenty years, having been formed slightly before my birth. Its name was Improv Mafia, and the senior members informed me (proudly, though not arrogantly) that they were a rather big deal in the world of collegiate improv. I was shown a stunning collection of plaques and trophies. Regional champions, national champions. They had alumni all over the country, nailing roles in professional improv troupes. In short, I had stumbled upon a group that had a decorated history, a group that had good reason to be unimaginably selective.

The other members’ reaction to my selection, and the selection of the other three newcomers, was quite unlike what I had expected. I had never experienced such a sheer outpouring of love, acceptance, and enthusiasm from people whose names I hadn’t even learned yet. As luck would have it, this love would never waver, even as I struggled to love myself.

The Mafia held to a rigorous schedule: practice five hours per week, plus a two-hour show every Tuesday. We never charged any money for attendance; we performed because we had a passion for the art, because we took it seriously. We took the ridiculous seriously, as went our motto. Naturally, you begin to form bonds with people you spend so much time with, and each person begins to spread a bit of their likeness to everyone else. During the countless hours of time with the Mafia, I absorbed many lessons and philosophies. I firmly believe that these philosophies can be applied to anyone’s life and, as with mine, provide a seemingly infinite source of self-improvement.

I say this because my life has improved immeasurably in these short few months. My self-esteem is higher than it has been in almost five years. I have newfound confidence in myself. My day-to-day life, while still pelted with occasional hiccups, is far less treacherous, all because of Improv Mafia. While it would be impossible to articulate every lesson this group has taught me, they can be distilled in such a way as to provide aid to those in need, or to simply improve a life that is already atop the waves of contentment.

Firstly, have confidence in your own decisions. When the Mafia performs, we try to avoid “being in our heads.” This means we make decisions about how our acted scene will evolve, and we fully commit to them. Nothing destroys a scene more quickly than pausing to doubt yourself. It breaks your immersion from the scene and makes it difficult to recover. Think of a movie or video game that you just couldn’t “get into,” and you’ll get a good idea of what we try to avoid while acting. Similarly, my life outside of acting improved significantly when I stopped doubting each and every decision that I made. I used to doubt every move I took, every word I spoke, and every friendship I made. As it stands now, I have the confidence necessary to commit to myself and trust that I not only have my best interests in mind, but also the ability to follow through and execute them. The difference is quite indescribable. In years past, most of my free time would be spent worrying about the state of my friendships, wondering if I had done something to harm them. Since Mafia, my mind has become much clearer, my life has become less stressful, and I can dedicate my time and mental exertion to more productive tasks.

This self-improvement comes not only to my benefit, but to the benefit of my loved ones as well. I concern myself greatly with the well-being of my friends, and I do all that I can help them in all matters, big and small. However, my capacity to help them was limited by my capacity to help myself. Nobody feels comfortable unloading their problems onto an individual already burdened with so many problems of their own. Slowly, people have begun to recognize my personal progress, and I have faith that they will trust me more to help them when problems in their lives arise. Within the improv sphere, a general guideline is to help yourself before helping your partner. That is, establish your own character and background before attempting to establish those of the person with whom you are performing. Good scenes don’t occur when both actors are so afraid to step on each other’s toes that they refuse to assert themselves.

Generally speaking, you also can’t refuse to accept scenarios that your fellow actor puts forward. If your partner remarks that the scene is taking place within a grocery store, the appropriate response is to affirm this new reality and add to it. To contradict your partner is to confuse them, deny them, and imply that their attempt at establishing the scene wasn’t good enough for you. In my daily life, affirmation is an important coping mechanism. I’ve always known that I cannot change everything in my life, but Mafia taught me to accept this and to affirm reality as it is. The serenity prayer, essentially, applied to everyday life. You make better scenes when you affirm, and your life is smoother when you affirm the cards you are dealt. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t attempt to improve yourself and better your situation; it means that such attempts shouldn’t be the determining factor of your happiness. Conventional wisdom tells us that we can never be satisfied if we think, “I’ll be happy when I get this, or when I achieve that.” You need to find satisfaction in the moment, regardless of circumstance, just like you need to find motivation to accept your partner’s reality when you act improvisationally.

Perhaps the most basic, foundational lesson I’ve learned is that it is always wise to hope. Even when I was at my lowest, I allowed myself a glimmer of hope, and now my life is better than it has practically ever been. I understand what it feels like to be hopeless, and to live day-by-day feeling that I can’t get any lower. But if I gave in to that despair, I never would have met the people who are now some of my closest friends. If you struggle to look forward to tomorrow, allow yourself one more day. If you have the strength, give yourself that glimmer, and give yourself time to see where it goes. What results may just surprise you.

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by Matthew Crawford

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How to Develop the Growth Mindset

I’ve never been the smartest, fastest, or most talented person. When I played sports growing up, I was the last player waved in from the bench. I was usually one of the last students to finish tests. I don’t pick up complex concepts on the first attempt.

I don’t fixate on these perceived weaknesses because my abilities aren’t etched in stone. They are malleable. My level of success is determined by what I believe about my potential.

My current skills are mostly irrelevant. I will improve over time if I put in the time to learn the appropriate skills, strategies, and frameworks. This mindset propels me towards greater success.

The growth mindset isn’t a cliche. It’s a belief system that permeates everything you do. It guides your behaviors and reactions. You can develop the growth mindset by crushing your fear of failure, widening your perspective, and choosing process over results.

Crush your fear of failure

“I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” – Michael Jordan

We should embrace failure. That’s not an open invitation to accept any type of failure. We should seek out mistakes that result from reaching and straining at the edge of our abilities. We’ll fall short in many of these attempts. We’ll stretch our way towards growth.

Most young NBA players are below-average long distance shooters. The process of extending their shooting range takes years. They start by improving their mid range shot.

From there, they step out one foot further from the basket. They slowly make their way out to the three point line. They fail countless times in the practice laboratory as they stretch their shooting abilities.

Players who are afraid to fail will not take the steps required to expand their skill set. They’ll never develop the weakest areas of their game.

When your identity is defined by your results, you develop a fear of making mistakes. This mindset destroys the love of learning.

On the flip side, fostering a passion for growth destroys the fear of failure. With a growth mindset, failures are stepping stones that lead to higher levels of success.

Widen your perspective

“Where we were almost didn’t matter because we were becoming something greater.”

– Will Smith

The fixed mindset shrinks our perspective to the narrow tunnel of the now. It intensifies the present moment. Our identity is riding on this at bat. Our self-image changes like Silly Putty with every outcome.

On the other end of the spectrum, the growth mindset widens your perspective. It enables you to see beyond your current circumstances.

A setback is only one at bat that brings many valuable lessons and feedback. There will be so many other at bats. You will not even remember this one a year from today.

When you cultivate the growth mindset, you shift your attention to who you’re becoming. It removes the pressure of proving yourself to the world.

It releases you from being weighed down by seeking validation from others. When your value and identity aren’t tied to the outcome, you react to challenges differently.

You can flip problems around to spot opportunities and solutions. These problems transform into gifts disguised as challenges.

They present you with an opportunity to sharpen your skills. In the process of overcoming these challenges, you develop skills that will equip you to tackle bigger challenges tomorrow.

Choose process over results

According to Carol Dweck, author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, praising students for their intelligence encourages a fixed mindset while praising effort leads to improved performanceas well as greater perseverance, confidence, and willingness to attempt challenging assignments.

This message doesn’t just apply to students. We don’t stop growing and developing when we leave school. We should continue to praise ourselves for the right kind of effort.

We should reward ourselves when we follow the right process instead of chasing immediate results. Today, you may not have the necessary skill level to achieve your goal. Through committed, consistent, and strategic effort, you’ll level up your skills.

When you focus on growth instead of shortcomings, you develop a forward looking, optimistic, and resourceful mindset. You look for answers and solutions that guide you towards your goals.

It’s the ultimate glass half-full mentality. It’s the opposite of an empty calories positive thinking philosophy though. It’s a brick by brick building process. The gains materialize when you combine the forward looking mentality with consistent actions that improve your abilities.

Start embracing this powerful mindset today. Start responding to life’s challenges with the same mindset you adopt when you play games on your phone. I don’t attach any meaning or importance to my Tetris results.

My awesome Tetris skills don’t change the way I view or judge myself. When I play, I just try to improve so I can reach the next level. We can apply the same mentality to get to the next level in life.

How do you embrace the growth mindset? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below!

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by Jose Ramos 

How I Overcame Fear and Found My Love of Teaching, Travel and Chopsticks

“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.” – Les Brown

A few years ago I received a terrifying email.

“We are pleased to inform you that you have been awarded a Fulbright scholarship to South Korea…”

Perhaps I should back up a bit. I was in my senior year in college, and had no idea what I wanted to pursue after graduation.

I did know that I wanted to think big. I wanted to see the world, to do exciting things, to have a life worth sharing.

It was a new concept among my circle of influence. Most of the people I knew at that time were either settling into regular jobs or about to get married. Very few individuals from the town I grew up in had ever even left the state. No one I knew had been to Asia.

“College is the best time of your life,” the adults in my life told me over and over again. “Take advantage of your freedom while you still have it.”

So I did.

I applied, mostly on a whim, to the Fulbright scholarship in South Korea.

I had never been to Asia and wanted to study an Asian language, and Korean was less intimidating than Chinese or Japanese or Khmer, the language of Cambodia. That was about the extent of the thought process that went into my decision as to where I would apply.

I never thought I’d be accepted, though.

And when I was, I was so scared, I almost didn’t go.

In the end, though, I finally decided that Fulbright was just too good an opportunity to pass up, no matter how scared I was.

My year in South Korea was hands down the hardest year of my life. It was also my most rewarding year. I made friendships to last a lifetime. I found an internal strength I never knew existed. I developed a vastly different view of the world than I had had before I left.

Sometimes I imagine how different my life would be if I hadn’t applied to Fulbright – or worse, if I had been awarded a spot, but had turned it down out of fear of the unknown.

I would never have found my love of teaching, or eating with chopsticks, or Korean fried chicken, or patbingsu, a korean dessert made mostly of red bean paste and shaved ice. I would never have met the precious students whose eager attitudes and sweet spirits made my job such a joy to wake up to every morning. I would never have seen fabulous cultural exhibitions like the lantern, mask dance or ice festivals. I would never have become confident in my ability to handle solo traveling by touring all over southeast Asia during my winter break. I would never have experienced the Taj Mahal, Angkor Wat, the Golden Palace in Japan, or the DMZ border between North and South Korea.

My life would be so different if I had let myself be governed by my fear. Graduate, get a job, get married, settle down. The classic American story. There is nothing wrong with this story, mind you. But there is also no requirement that we all follow this pattern.

One of the top regrets of the dying is “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

Korea taught me that, if there is something you want to attempt, you should do everything you can to go for it.

Korea taught me that you should do things that scare you.

The challenges you are imagining are probably not as insurmountable as you may think they are, and the rewards are likely far more numerous than you could ever dream.

Life is not about doing everything perfectly. It’s not about living the life that people expect of you.

Life is about living to the fullest degree that you can.

Don’t let fear – of the unknown, of your own abilities, of what people will think – be the deciding factor of your life.

What scary decisions have you been considering lately? What can you do today to take a step toward pushing through your fear?

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by Lauren Meeks

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6 Ways to Give Yourself a Mid-Year Boost

“What you resist, persists” – Carl G. Jung

Mid-year is the time of the year I find myself needing a boost.  In the beginning of the year, we’re still buzzing with energy from our holidays and ready to get to conquering the year.  Towards the end of the year, you realize you only have so much time left to get yourself into gear before the holidays roll around again and we start fresh with a new year.  That leaves us with mid-year equidistant from both the January-New-Year motivation and the OMG-it’s-almost-December shock.

The mid-year slump hits me hard creatively.  I set out at the beginning of the year with big plans for my blog and a full editorial calendar.  My ideas flow easily and the motivation to get to work is there.  But as the month’s pass, I slide down into a rut.  The ideas dry up a bit and my drive slows to snails’ pace.  I’m no longer so sure about all the things I had planned and believed in.  Self-doubt sets in.

It’s not the best of feelings.  But in my experience, it’s best to go with it and honor these low energy times.  Embrace your ups and downs and make the most of both.

You might find this is the perfect time for you to re-evaluate all that you’ve been working on since January.  Revisit the goals you set at the beginning of the year and decide if the strategy you set out to achieve those goals is really working for you.  It could also be time to take a small break from what you’ve been up to and try some new stuff.  That can be very invigorating and will definitely help you get your groove back.  Take your low energy stints as a time for you to relax and recoup, to gather your thoughts, and to get back on track or set forth in a new direction.

If like me, you need a bit of a boost mid-year there are a couple of ways you can make the most of this time without fighting it.

Shake Up Your Routine

If you always drink coffee in the morning with a slice of toast and walk to work the same route, bust out of that routine and try something new.  Drink tea and have some fruit for breakfast.  Eat at different places, cook new recipes, try new ingredients.  Walk to work on a different route or ride a bike instead.  Whatever comfortable habits you’ve created all year long shake them up with alternatives.  You don’t have to give anything up permanently just try out a new daily routine.

Try A Different Exercise Regimen

Whatever your current exercise regimen is try something different.  If you’ve been doing hardcore cross-fit try something lighter like yoga or walking.  And vice versa, if you’ve been doing a lighter exercise like yoga, try a box fit class or karate.  As I said before, you’re not looking to make permanent changes here.  You can go back to or keep doing whatever you’ve been doing to date just throw in something completely different to juxtapose your normal exercise regimen.

Change Up Your Reading

If you’ve been reading mostly from a certain genre, topic or viewpoint try something totally different for a while.  This is a great way to get the juices flowing and find some new inspiration.  Read what you wouldn’t normally read, bring out those long and/or difficult reads you’ve put off for so long.  Read the opposite viewpoint of what you would normally read.  Challenge yourself to new reading through different topics and authors.

Go Somewhere New

Pack a weekend bag and hit the road to spend some time somewhere local you’ve not been before.  If you have the means and the time, travel somewhere more distant you’ve always wanted to go.  Keeping it local has its advantages, though.  You’ll get to experience something new close to home and connect with new people who are in your community or geographic vicinity.  Get a refreshed perception of what’s around you and those living there.  You may find renewed inspiration and joy for where you are.

Get Creative

If you have a creative hobby like photography or painting, go out and do more of that.  Also, try new creative hobbies.  If you don’t have one, now is the time to find one.  Creative hobbies are important breaks from your normal grind and give you the freedom to think and express yourself in different ways.  It can be as simple as drawing instead of writing.  The important thing here is that you do something creative, you don’t have to be good at it.

Do Nothing

Yip, do nothing.  Sometimes that’s just what you need.  Don’t feel guilty for spending a bit of time doing nothing.  Go into the garden and just sit.  Go where you feel comfortable and just be.  I’m not suggesting you use the time to allow your mind to run amuck working you up into an anxious mess – none of that.  Just be, don’t think about the past or the future.  Just enjoy this moment of peace doing nothing.

Try one or all of these.  It’s completely up to you.  Whatever you do, though, don’t be disheartened by times of low energy.  Be gentle with yourself and don’t feel bad for taking the time you need to get back some of that joie de vivre.  Life is cyclical – there are ups and downs.  It’s what you do with those times that makes all the difference.

How do you give yourself a boost when you feel less motivated?

by Verity M | 12 comments

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