Footloose and Cancer Free.

When I was 12 years old my family lived in Riverside California.  I was not very good in typical school sports like baseball and football, but I was good at running. I loved it so much in fact that it became one of my greatest joys in life and unbeknownst to me at the time, would deliver me 47 years later to the Boston Marathon.

Back then I organized a little weekend run with my friend—Dennis Potter who lived down the street. Dennis was a different sort of kid, rather introverted, with a gravelly voice and a round, red face.  We didn’t hang out together much but we met almost every weekend for our race around the neighborhood.  It was a set course on the quiet streets around my house, about 2 miles long as far as I can recollect, and the finish line was in a vacant lot right next to old Mr. Stringfellows big yard.

One thing about this little competition that is important to my story is that I always won.  Always.  Dennis would huff and holler and try very hard to beat me, but in the end I always, and without exception, won the race. I had a good “kick” as runners refer to the last 50 yards or so of a foot race, and it was there that I surged ahead with great confidence and celebration to claim the prize.  Victory was mine. And always mine.  Dennis was forever frustrated by this and he would shake his head and mutter that he would “get me next time”, and that was the end of it.

We continued our competition for many months and one day my father announced that we were moving to Newport Beach and I would be saying goodbye to my school, my friends and my weekend race. Dennis and I met one last time before I left. Our final race went as expected with me leading all the way, but as we rounded the last corner with about 100 yards to go, I had a spontaneous thought that startled me completely, so much so that I can still recall its remarkable impact and the way it felt. It shook me from head to toe and I recognized it as something that I had not yet experienced in my 12 years of life. I was suddenly pulled out of the victory dance that had already started in my mind, with a mental image of Dennis Potter winning the race, a thought that until that very instant seemed impossible to me.  Because I always won.   In order for him to finish first, I would have to actually make myself lose.  How crazy was that?

But I wondered, what would be the consequence of letting him win—just this once?   I knew of course that he would gloat and puff up and feel mighty proud—just as I had for so many months.  And I knew I was the faster runner, no doubt about it, but what if there was something bigger and even more important than winning at this moment?

As I remember it, these thoughts and others like them raced through my brain ever so much quicker than my footsteps on the hot pavement. I had only seconds to process this crazy idea, but in those few seconds I experienced a feeling in my body that was exhilarating and satisfying, even more so than winning the race.

I was, perhaps for the first time in my life, feeling a hint of an undeveloped compassion for another human being.

With the finish line in view I suddenly pulled up with one leg, pretending to lose my balance for a moment. I cursed out loud and kicked up a little puff of dust as Dennis, now tasting the possibility of victory, chirped with delight and like a conquering gladiator, shot by me to cross the finish line with outstretched arms.

“I did it!  Oh my God…..I did it!” he shouted, over and over. I pretended to be annoyed with myself while congratulating him on his well-deserved win.  Amazingly, he didn’t celebrate his victory alone, but ran over to me, grabbed my shoulders and pulled me close in a sweaty embrace as we hopped up and down in his dance of glory. The pride on his face, the clarity in his voice, the excitement in his eyes was something I have never forgotten.

I didn’t see Dennis Potter again after that day. And though I wish it were not true, my introduction to compassion would take many more years to integrate deeply into my own life. One good deed, after all, does not a compassionate person make, but it was a start.

Now at the age of 64, newly diagnosed with breast cancer and reflecting on the many gifts I’ve discovered in my life, the memory of running with Dennis Potter has faded, but the feeling I had while watching him celebrate his great achievement and including me in that embrace of ecstasy, is just as strong today as it was then.

I don’t think we have one-sided lessons in life. Just as a broken bone heals stronger at the point of fracture, every defeat allows us to grow a little too. I believe that each time my cancer knocks me back a few steps, the reverence that I have for living and its endless lessons grows a bit.  And I know now that on that race day so many years ago, I needed to lose just as much as Dennis Potter needed to win.

by Khevin Barnes | 0 comments

Source Article

How a Morning Routine Saved My Life

“To think is easy. To act is difficult. To act as one thinks is the most difficult.”

– Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

So many people wake up in the morning to a crazy buzzing alarm clock, hit the snooze button and eventually get up and drag themselves off to work. How can you have an inspiring and productive day when you are tired, probably grumpy and in a job that you may not be particularly fond of? You can’t! But that is what most people do.

However, there is a much better way. Imagine waking up without an alarm clock, getting out of bed early, exercising and feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day.

For many years I would wake up the same way as I describe above – tired, grumpy and I hated my job. I would rush my breakfast and then jump in my car and drive an hour to work. I hated my job and when your shifts are 12 hours long you always seem to be either at work – driving home – or driving to work.

Not an inspiring life.

A Wake Up Call

Around 15 years ago I discovered meditation. I had been searching for peace for sometime after having lost my daughter, Holly, to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome when she was 5 months of age and then going through a painful divorce followed by a second marriage and then a second divorce. I was lost, depressed and had no direction. I was searching for answers and stumbled across meditation and decided to give it a try.

Meditation basically changed my life. I really took to the guided meditations and found a real inner peace I had never known before. It gave me clarity and I realised that my past was merely a stepping-stone along my journey.

I set about totally changing my life. A huge part of that was setting up a morning routine or ritual. I had started reading ferociously at this time also and found books and cd’s by Dr. Wayne W Dyer. I learnt from Wayne the power of meditation in the morning followed by affirmations, visualisations, exercise (walking, running or swimming) and then a healthy breakfast. This had a huge impact on my life. Not long after I met my soul mate and we have an amazing life. I started my own business and have never been happier.

My morning routine has changed over the years but it is still is centred on meditation. I really believe my current routine is the most powerful I have ever had. I have reached a new level in my life since I started including motivational talks with my meditation.

My Morning Routine

This is my current morning routine and it’s working a treat –

• I wake up and listen to a motivational talk usually from YouTube. Have my earphones in and laying in bed in the dark. 5 to 10 minutes. (I do this before bed too)

• Once the motivational clip is finished I put on some deep relaxation meditation music and just focus on what I learned in the motivational talk.

• Get out of bed and read my Life Vision statement

• Read my affirmations then do my visualisations.

• Write down 10 ideas. I learned this from this article from James Altucher.

• Go for a run, walk or swim.

• Have breakfast, which is usually either porridge with flaxseed and a banana or a green smoothie.

And I don’t need a loud alarm to wake me up! My job these days is helping people get out of their comfort zone. It’s the first time I have had my own business and the freedom and inspiration I get from my morning routine is amazing! I really feel free and my life is changing almost daily. I wake up energised and really bounce out of bed. Life is wonderful and I really live in the moment and enjoy every second. Listening to motivational talks morning and night has been a game changer for me. There are some amazing video’s on You Tube. Just do a search for ‘motivational video’s’ and you will be amazed at the amount there. 99% of them are really well put together.

My life has changed over the last 15 years. From stressed, depressed and no direction, to full of inspired belief, confidence and determination to succeed. My morning routine saved my life.

What do you think of my morning routine? Do you have a morning routine? I would love to hear about it.

by Kevin McNamara 

Source article

How Changing My Location Transformed My Life

It was on my daughter’s third birthday that I decided my life just had to change.

At the time, my wife and I had four young children. We were living outside London, and I was commuting into the big city every day to work. Each morning, I would get up while the rest of the family was asleep, and begin my two-hour commute to the office – first a trip on an over-crowded bus, then a journey on a train that was invariably late, and finally an unpleasant half hour packed like a sardine into a tube train.

In summer, the tube trip was unbearably hot and stuffy. In winter, the bus stops and train stations were freezing cold and miserable.

When I got to the office, I would hang around outside the office waiting for the exact stroke of nine o’clock – I didn’t want to spend a minute more in my cubicle than I had to. I was usually obliged to work late, and by the time I had done my two-hour commute in reverse to get home, my children were in bed and asleep.

For a while, I accepted that this was the way life had to be – because the people all around me were doing much the same thing. My friends and neighbors all struggled with jobs they hated, so that they could pay the extortionate mortgage on an over-priced home in the suburbs. Monday to Friday was an endless round of working and commuting. Weekends were for catching up with all the household chores and errands there was no time for during the week.

That was the way my life was – until my daughter’s third birthday rolled around. We had bought her a doll’s house as a gift, which she played with all day. That evening, as she put Barbie to bed in the doll’s bedroom, the activity seemed to remind her of a something that was worrying her. She asked me a question that shook me to the core.

‘Daddy,’ she said. ‘What house do you sleep in?’

I was stunned. I realized I spent so much time away from home, that my daughter didn’t even recognize me as a member of the household. Every weekday, I was gone when she woke up, and still not there when she went to bed. She only saw me at weekends and during holidays – I was nothing more than an occasional visitor in her life – more like a grandparent than her father.

Committing to Change

I resolved then and there that the situation had to change. I had been experimenting with online marketing for a while in the evenings, and was making some useful extra income. I decided that if I was going to be a full-time figure in my family’s life, I had to turn this part-time hobby into a full-time business.

It wasn’t easy, for sure. For much of the next year, I worked on my project after work every night. Eventually, the late hours paid off, and by the time my daughter’s fourth birthday came round, I was earning more in my online business than in my day job.

So I quit. And I didn’t just quit my job – I quit the country, too. Now that I was earning money online, we were free to live anywhere. So we sold up and traded cold, rainy London for a new home in Australia. We spent some time traveling across this great Southern land, exploring everywhere from Adelaide to Airlie Beach – eventually settling in the beautiful, beachside town of Terrigal in New South Wales.

A World Apart

Giving up everything you know and moving to a distant part of the planet is a big deal – much bigger than I had anticipated. For a while we struggled with homesickness, the kids missed their grandparents, and we suffered the culture shock of adapting to our new environment. One day, we arrived home to find that we had been burgled and robbed of all our possessions. That was our lowest point, and we almost packed up the few things we had left and headed back to the UK.

But we decided to give Australia another three months, and that proved to be a very good decision. The homesickness wore off as we made new friends and adapted to our new world. Soon, the kids were settled into school, and Australia began to feel like home. On the day we finally became Australian citizens, we were all brimming with pride as the local mayor handed us our citizenship certificates.

A New Way of Life

Best of all, though, was the total transformation in our lifestyle. I no longer had to get up when the alarm clock went off at 6.00am, or struggle through the sleet, rain and snow of a two-hour commute. I didn’t have to sit in a claustrophobic office cubicle, watching the clock crawl at a snail’s pace until five o’clock.

Instead, I turned a spare room in our beautiful new home into my office. I had a view over the rainforest that backed our property, and could work the hours that suited me. Sometimes I would work in the office and listen to the sound of the parrots and the kookaburras in the trees outside. Other times I would take my laptop and work sitting beside the pool. If it got too hot, I could always jump in the water for a refreshing swim.

Most days, I would enjoy a leisurely breakfast with the family, drop the kids off at school, and then start work around nine…or maybe ten. I was the boss now, so it was my decision. I aimed to finish work at four, when the kids got home from school. We would all go for a swim in our pool together, or perhaps go down to the beach for an hour or two of surfing. Then there was time for a family meal together in the evening, followed by some more quality time with the kids.

Because there was now plenty of time for chores and errands during the week, we were free to do whatever we liked at weekends. So instead of spending Saturdays and Sundays mending fences, cleaning and gardening, we spent them holding BBQs with friends, jet-skiing on the local waterways, bushwalking…or just enjoying the 31 stunning beaches of the Central Coast (one for every day of the month!)

Another big advantage of changing location was that our money went much further. We were able to sell our UK property at sky-high London prices and buy a house for cash in Australia. Better still, our new lifestyle was much cheaper. In London, the inclement weather meant the cost of entertainment was high – we were obliged to spend a fortune on indoor entertainment such as cinema tickets, theme park admissions, fast-food meals, etc.

By comparison, entertainment in Australia was much cheaper – often free. It costs nothing to swim on a beautiful beach, to go exploring in the bush, or to play Marco Polo in your backyard pool.

However, all of that pales into insignificance compared to the benefit of spending more time with my family. Now there was no danger that my daughter would wonder where I lived, or that I would miss out on their childhood. I was there for every birthday, every school concert and every significant event in their lives. And that is a priceless gift worth more than a billion-dollar fortune.

Change Your Location, Change Your Life

So what about you? Do you need a change in location to transform your life and create the future of your dreams?

If so, there has never been a better time to do it. When we relocated to Australia, running an online business was much harder than it is today. There was no Wi-Fi, no mobile broadband and no smartphones. Websites had to be hand-built in old-fashioned code, and everything was clunky and hard to do.

None of that is true anymore. Today’s technology makes it easier than ever to start an online business that can earn you the freedom to live on your own terms. Even if you have no previous technical or marketing experience, you can start a blog and build a million dollar business. If that sounds a little ambitious, check out the stories of these blogging millionaires. These are just regular folks who figured out how to turn a simple blog into financial freedom.

So the great news is that you don’t have to tolerate a life that is less than perfect. You can create an online income that allows you to pursue your passions, create your dream lifestyle…and live wherever you want. And simply by changing your location, you can open up a whole new world of possibilities.

I certainly have no regrets about making the big move. My children enjoyed an awesome childhood, and I was able to share every moment with them. If your life is not working out exactly as you had hoped, then don’t despair. Because there is a real opportunity to make changes that inspire a whole new life.

Start today, and you, too, could be living in paradise by this time next year.

See you on the beach!

Article Source

Author

The Power of Listening to Your Loved Ones

“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” – Bryant H. McGill

For a large chunk of the English speaking world, 2016 has been a divisive political year.  Between the Brexit vote in the UK and the American presidential race, we have seen very sharp lines drawn between people with opposing opinions.  If you lived in either of these countries, odds are high that you were drawn into a political argument or two.  Given how much these two decisions affect international economics and politics, you probably faced a conversation even if you lived elsewhere.

Having grown up in a very conservative state, but now living in a more liberal one, I know people across the entire political spectrum.  I also enjoy debates, so I’ve gotten into some interesting discussions and even out-and-out arguments with various people, including my mother-in-law.  We have conflicting opinions on just about every subject.  We can also both be stubborn at times, each with a passion in believing we individually have the “right” answers.  We’ve discussed issues in person and also on social media platforms.

Recently, we took one of our debates onto Facebook, where mutual relatives could see our responses.  We each had our say to each other, and some of our friends also chimed in.  I thought the heat had died down on that discussion when a relative of ours wrote that I had crossed the line and made character attacks on my mother-in-law.

This accusation mortified me.  I went back and re-checked all my statements.  While I did throw around the word “moral” a few times and asked her questions based on ethics, I did not see where I had made an outright character assault.  I certainly did not feel I had called her names.  However, the line between opinion and derision isn’t always so clear.  Maybe a few of my lines could be read as insulting.  When I re-read some of her statements, I found areas where I could have chosen to interpret them as character attacks on me (although I did not think that was her intent, and I still do not interpret them that way).

This made me wonder about the purpose of debate at all.  Especially on very contentious issues where each side has strong opinions, you are not likely to change anyone’s mind.  In my near decade of discussions with my mother-in-law, I doubt either of us has made much of a dent on each other’s core moral values.  We have made up our minds given our experiences, and barring some catastrophic event, we are unlikely to be swayed from our viewpoints.  So why risk the potential hurt feelings?

My mother-in-law replied on the thread, mortified herself that she might have insulted me.  She said that she had laid out her opinion, she never meant to hurt anyone, and said thank you for the opportunity to speak. She then promised to bow out of the conversation.

This could have been the end of it, but again, I was dissatisfied.  Clearly, we were not going to change each other’s minds, but on the flip side, there is a gift in listening to someone with a dissenting view, even if you vehemently disagree.  In all the times my mother-in-law and I have exchanged heated words over a topic, it has never affected our personal relationship.  We could always end the debate with agreeing to disagree.  I know she is a good person at her core, and I believe that she thinks the same of me.

So I returned to the discussion thread and thanked my mother-in-law, not because I agreed with her, but because she was brave enough to have the conversation.  She needed to have her voice heard as much as I needed mine heard.

I’ve heard many arguments that defending your opinion means nothing, that presenting an opposing argument with someone who has made up their mind is a waste of time.  I must respectfully disagree.  It’s a sign of mutual respect and trust in being able to say what you believe and knowing your loved ones will listen, even if they never agree.  In the absence of discussions, many negative feelings can fester – anger, resentment, frustration.  In those few relationships in which I feel I cannot fully express my thoughts and feelings, I have certainly felt limited in how far that relationship can form.

The fact that my mother-in-law and I can have heated arguments and yet still be comfortable around each other is a strength in our relationship, not a weakness.  It is exactly because we have our exchanges that we are able to at least understand each other, if only on an emotional level.   Only then can we put aside our differences and still focus on what matters most: our family and loving each other.

Article Source

Author

Unleashing Your Potential: Molly Fletcher at TEDxEmory

she makes some solid points!! agree?

Finding Freedom: How Quitting Caffeine Transformed My Life

“Freedom is that faculty which enlarges the usefulness of all other faculties.” – Immanuel Kant

As a yogi and meditation teacher, I consider myself to be relatively aware of my body’s signals and the ramblings of my mind. But if you follow a similar path, you know that there are always hidden recesses of the self that remain to be uncovered. It took me a long time to be willing to take an honest look at my dependence on caffeine.

One afternoon as I was working in my office, I suddenly realized how often I was looking at my watch. I was awaiting, not a call from a loved one or an evening out with friends, but my next cup of coffee. As the sun spread its warm rays through my office window, the full force of the thought struck me: “Is this what my life has become? The high point of my afternoon is a caffeine fix?”

This moment sparked a journey to kick my coffee habit. It took me a few days to move beyond the intense headaches and mental fog of peak caffeine withdrawal, and two weeks for my body to completely realign with its natural cycles. Once I arrived on the other side of that struggle, I began to notice profound shifts in my life as a result of being caffeine free, some that I fully anticipated and hoped for, and a few that far exceeded my expectations.

I sleep better.

I always believed that caffeine no longer affected my sleep, and even boasted that I could consume coffee late at night and go to bed at the usual time, but once I quit it became clear that these were the delusions of an addict. As I moved beyond the agony of withdrawal, I began to experience the deepest sleep I had had for a very long time. It turned out that even though I was able to fall asleep immediately after downing a cup of coffee, the quality of my sleep was being compromised. Caffeine free, I remained asleep for more of the night and awoke in the morning feeling well rested. I also practically eliminated the urge for an afternoon siesta.

I am tuned into the needs of my body.

Until I stopped drinking coffee, I had no idea how often I was pushing through the needs of my body without paying them any attention. Instead of resting when I was tired, I headed out to the local coffee shop for a double shot. Instead of drinking water when I was thirsty, I was subjecting myself to the diuretic effects of caffeine along with my fluid intake. When I should have been eating because my body needed energy, coffee was instead suppressing my appetite, and every time my body longed for movement and fresh air, I responded with more coffee.

Without the crutch of caffeine, I was forced to pay more attention to what my body needed – and, it turned out, that sleep, exercise, food, water, and meditation satisfied most of the needs that coffee was merely glossing over. And as a bonus, when I truly listen to what my body needs, I stay satisfied for longer and feel healthier and happier.

I experience less stress, and cope with it better.

Now that I no longer drink coffee, I find I am much more relaxed at work. When challenges arise, as they inevitably do, I am able to remain calm and address them without succumbing to the stress. I feel less rushed and overwhelmed as I go through my day, and am able to maintain my focus more consistently and for longer periods of time. Meditation and yoga continue to be the cornerstone of my strategy for dealing with difficult situations, but I now find them to be more effective than they were during my coffee drinking days.

I incorporate healthier ways of maintaining my focus and energy levels.

For many years, instead of being powered by the energy of the rising sun and excitement for the day ahead, I relied on a pot of coffee to launch me into my morning and to propel me through the many energy dips I experienced every day. Since kicking my coffee habit, not only is my energy more stable, but I utilize much healthier strategies when I require a bit of a boost. I start my day with meditation and a brisk walk and go to the gym regularly after work. I’ve also rebooted my yoga practice, and find that breathing exercises and a few yoga poses can be really helpful if I’m feeling sleepy or unfocused during my day.

I am more present and feel more alive.

I was shocked to discover that caffeine was creating a barrier between myself and the ability to be present in the moment. However, once I was no longer drinking it, I noticed that my meditations improved. You may say it is my imagination, but I also felt that my vision and sense of hearing were sharper. It is as though I have regained the ability to fully experience life as it is, rather than through the lens of my addiction. As I have slowed down and begun to truly pay attention to how I’m feeling, I have received an unexpected gift: the full, unadulterated freedom of being alive.

Source Article

Author

8 Communication Barriers in Business

Companies must develop a working environment that is conducive to open, trusting, caring relationships between people—an environment that welcomes new ideas and encourages constructive feedback; one in which management actively serves as a catalyst for nurturing and then disseminating new ideas. One of the functions of management is to recognize communication barriers so that the organization can avoid them. Discussed below are some of the most significant communication barriers to avoid.

Communication barrier: Rigid adherence to organizational charts. Organization charts in a company neither define relationships as they actually exist nor direct the lines of communication. If the organization doesn’t reside in the minds and hearts of the people, it doesn’t exist. No chart can fix that. An organization’s function is simple: to provide a framework, a format, a context in which people can effectively use resources to accomplish their goals. The problem is that organizational charts imply that communication should only flow vertically. The fact is communication must flow across organizational and functional units as well.

Communication barrier: Management isolation. Management should keep in mind that creating lavish executive offices, having administrative assistants construct what amounts to barbed-wire enclosures around those executive offices, establishing perquisites—the corner office, executive parking spaces, separate executive floors, private washrooms and dining rooms, limos, even flying first class when others sit in coach—loudly proclaim who is boss. These “perks” increase personal distance and ensure that people feel that their leaders are unapproachable.

Communication barrier: The development of caste systems. The caste system creates artificial barriers that inhibit communication. For example, does your organization encourage clear language or is jargon the norm? Are there opportunities for people at different levels and in different functional groups to spend time with one another, or is there socializing only along status lines?

Communication barrier: The existence of physical barriers. Distance poses another kind of problem in the workplace. People communicate most with those physically closest to them. Thomas Allen of MIT notes that “beyond a distance of 25 or 30 yards, personal interaction drops off markedly. That is why it is important for management to try to bring together as much as possible those who work together.”

Communication barrier: The ambiance surrounding meetings. The process of setting up a meeting and the nonverbal cues during a meeting often communicate as much as the content of the meeting itself. For example, how often are meetings held? Are people early or late for meetings? Is the boss late? What’s the layout of the room? Who gets invited? What’s on the agenda? How is the agenda prepared? How long does the average meeting last? How much time is allotted to each subject? Is the tone of the meeting formal or informal? How much dialogue is there?

Communication barrier: Consistency of words and actions. Are the actions of your organization consistent with its policies? Does management say they care about innovation, but promote those who don’t rock the boat? Do they say that they reward excellence, but give across-the-board raises? Do they say they reward creativity, but have a long-drawn-out approval process that frustrates anyone with a new idea?

Communication barrier: Political warfare. Some people hoard information for personal gain. They believe they increase their power when others are in the dark. Organizations must combat the idea that playing politics with information will bring personal gain. Organizations marked by politics, turf battles, and staff infighting lack adequate communication.

Communication barrier: Poor listening habits. When report cards are given out for how well we listen, very few of us would receive passing grades. Barriers to listening include assuming a subject is uninteresting and tuning out, focusing on the delivery rather than the content, reacting too quickly before the message is completed, picking up on emotional words and not hearing the rest of the message, listening only for facts rather than trying to absorb ideas, allowing yourself to be distracted, and avoiding listening to subjects that you don’t understand. Everyone must learn to overcome these barriers.

The bottom line is that there are four elements required to make communication thrive. First, every organization requires accessible, affordable, easy-to-use technology. Second, an open, honest work environment should be embraced. Third, people should be encouraged to break down the communication barriers that exist. Last, great leaders must communicate the guiding principles, beliefs, and values of the organization—this will rally everyone to a common cause. For just as the stars were used to navigate ships in the night, these guiding principles dictate what is important, how decisions are made, how people are rewarded, who gets promoted, what kind of person joins the organization, and how people communicate with one another.

Article Source

Embracing Your Flaws to a Happier You

“There is a kind of beauty in imperfection.” – Conrad Hall

Benjamin Franklin famously tried to be the perfect person.  He understood he had flaws, but he strived to change them.  He created a list of 13 virtues and would make detailed notes of which ones he broke on any given day.  He vowed to tackle them and attributed his habits of self-improvement to his success in life.

For a very long time, I also tried to emulate this spirit of becoming a better human being in all aspects of my life.  I’d make lists of books I should read to become a more enlightened person.  I set hard-to-reach goals like perfect grades, then studied like crazy to meet them.  I would berate myself for minor flaws, vowing to correct them at all costs.  I wanted exactly what Ben Franklin wanted – to be the perfect person.

It made me absolutely miserable.

Self-improvement in specific areas is indeed a wonderful thing.  When you work hard and get better at a new skill or life habit, you can take pride that you’re truly improving.  But when you decide to do this on all fronts of your life – from your work to your family life to your hobbies – it ends up just being exhausting.

You can never keep it up.  It’s like trying to put together a puzzle where all the pieces don’t fit.  As soon as you devote a bunch of time to your work, you realize your family time has decreased and you’re having more conflict at home.  Even if you do strike a rare balance, it only takes one mishap to have it all come crashing down.  An illness means you have to miss an important event.  A project you advocated at work gets cut, not because you weren’t doing a great job, but because the company decided not to go in that direction.  You end up feeling like a failure because life happens, and you can’t make everything fit perfectly the way you envision.

During the time I wanted to become the perfect person, I remember talking to a co-worker about good interview questions.  He told me how he hated the “What’s your greatest weakness?” question that almost every interviewer asks.  He said that managers want you to list a flaw in your character and how you wondrously found a way to beat it.  But sometimes, he said, you can’t beat your flaws.   Instead, you accept them and focus your time on strengthening your strengths.  That, he claimed, was the true path to career success, and a good manager would try to minimize situations in which you encountered your weaknesses.

His answer floored me.  I always thought I had to vanquish my flaws or at least try to control them.  I had never thought of flaws as something to ignore in the quest to be better at other things.  Using his advice, I examined my position as marketing manager.  Instead of trying to be a better technical person, which always alluded me, I instead focused on softer skills like project management.  I ended up excelling in this area and became a skilled software project manager, not because I understand all the technical details of my job, but because I had a skill that other people in my field need.

This idea of accepting flaws spilled over into my personal life.  I have a quick temper, and I’d always berated myself for feeling mad about minor things.  I would stew over stuff, get angry about being so angry, and thus created a vicious cycle.  When I decided to embrace my anger instead of eliminating it, I found better ways to channel that energy.  I learned coping strategies and stopped feeling guilty all the time.  I allow myself to be flawed in this way, knowing I’m not perfect, and the anger subsides much more quickly now than it did before.

Once I applied this to my own feelings, I could see my closest friends and family in a more positive light.  Since I was always trying to perfect myself, I wanted everyone else to try to be perfect too.  Now, I don’t care.  I married a wonderful man with flaws, but instead of trying to improve him, I focus on all the positive qualities in his character.  I appreciate him more.  I know he can be forgetful about dates and appointments, but instead of berating him about it, as I did with previous boyfriends, I manage that aspect of our relationship without complaint, knowing that he makes up for some of my deficits.  This makes both of us happier than each of us striving to be the absolute best at everything.

I would never say Benjamin Franklin was an unwise man.  There is likely a personality type that thrives under continual self-improvement and perfection.  But not me.  I’m more comfortable with my flawed and imperfect self than I ever have been.  I’ve accomplishing many things in my life, with no illusions that I will ever be the perfect person.   Nor, at this point, would I want to be.

Article Source

Author